Jordan had read so many threads he could recite them. Every other weekend was "standard". Five nights out of fourteen was "normal". One reply told him to ask for half the week, another told him he would be lucky to get Saturdays. His son Noah was two. Noah's mum, Bex, wanted to keep things as they were: Saturday afternoons, home before tea. Jordan wanted overnights. Both of them were frightened, and both of them were asking the internet the same question: what contact will the court give the father?

Jordan and Bex are a composite, built from many families I have sat beside, with every detail changed. But I hear their question every single week, from dads, from mums, and from grandparents too. So let me give you the honest answer, and then show you how to build a plan a judge can say yes to. Listen, listen: this is about your child, not about a number.

What contact will the court give the father? The honest answer

None of the forum rules are the law. Section 1 of the Children Act 1989 says that when a court decides anything about a child's upbringing, the child's welfare is its paramount consideration. Not the father's rights, not the mother's rights, and not what a friend's cousin got. The child's welfare.

The same section contains the presumption of parental involvement. Unless the contrary is shown, the court presumes that involvement of each parent will further the child's welfare, as long as that parent can be involved without putting the child at risk of harm. Then comes the sentence most parents never hear: "involvement" means involvement of some kind, direct or indirect, "but not any particular division of a child's time". So there is no legal starting point of fifty fifty, and no legal starting point of every other weekend either.

The order the court makes is a child arrangements order. Under section 8, it regulates with whom a child lives, spends time or otherwise has contact, and when. "Custody", "access", "resident parent" and "residency order" are old words. An order can say a child lives with one parent and spends time with the other, or that the child lives with both. That is a label about the child's homes, not a prize.

How does the court decide? The welfare checklist

When an arrangement is opposed, section 1(3) tells the court to have regard in particular to these seven things. Read them slowly, because every good proposal answers them.

Two more principles sit beside the checklist. Delay is likely to harm the child, so the court plans a timetable. And the court should only make an order if doing so is better for the child than making no order at all. GOV.UK says a court order usually takes around 10 months, which is one more reason to try hard to agree.

Is alternate weekends what a judge sees as reasonable?

Often, yes. But "reasonable" is decided for each child, not for children in general. Here are patterns families commonly agree or courts approve, and when they tend to fit.

The Monday school drop off one is worth a word. Many parents like it because the child goes straight from one home to school, with no doorstep handover. Where handovers have been tense, that can be kinder for everyone.

How do you build up time for a baby or toddler?

For very young children, frequency usually matters more than length. A baby or toddler holds people in mind through regular contact, so three short visits a week can do more than one long one. Many stepped plans look something like this:

1. Stage one: short and frequentTwo or three visits a week of a few hours, at a time that suits naps and feeds, with the same handover routine each time.
2. Stage two: longer daysA full day at the weekend plus a shorter midweek visit, including a meal and a nap at the other home.
3. Stage three: the first overnightOne night, often on a Saturday, with the child's own comforter, bedtime routine and a short video call home if that settles them.
4. Stage four: the longer patternThe pattern the plan was building to, such as alternate weekends plus a midweek visit, often linked to an age or a review date.

A good plan says what moves it from one stage to the next: a date, or a set number of weeks, as long as each stage is going well. Vague words like "progressing as appropriate" lead straight back to argument. If you breastfeed, or there are health needs, say so plainly and suggest how the plan can work around them.

Can the court order Christmas the same way every year?

It can, but there is no rule that it must, and no rule that it alternates. Common arrangements include alternating Christmas Day each year, splitting the day at lunchtime, Christmas Eve and morning with one parent and Boxing Day with the other, or keeping a long settled pattern that works.

That last point matters. Under the checklist, the likely effect of any change on the child counts. If a family has done the same Christmas for years and the child is happy with it, that history is real evidence. If one parent has never had a Christmas morning, that is real too. Put your proposal in writing, with times and handover places, and cover the other days that cause rows: birthdays, Mother's Day and Father's Day, Eid, Diwali or other festivals, and the summer.

Cafcass's Our Child's Plan (formerly the Parenting Plan) is a free tool for agreeing exactly this, including school holidays, bank holidays and teacher training days. Cafcass says judges and magistrates will expect you to have one in place if you go to court.

Can a parent who has been absent for years ask for contact?

Yes. Any parent can apply for a child arrangements order, whether or not they have parental responsibility. Being away for a long time does not end a parent's place in the child's life, but it changes what a sensible plan looks like.

The court will ask what the child knows, how they feel, and how to reintroduce someone they may not remember. Plans often start with indirect contact such as a letter, a card or a short video call, then short supported visits, sometimes at a contact centre, building up only as the child copes. If you are the parent coming back, show the court you understand that pace and that you will be reliable. If you are the parent who has been caring alone, you can ask for exactly that pace without being "difficult". Turning up, every time, is what rebuilds trust.

Can I ask for conditions about a new partner or drug use?

Yes, where there is a real reason. Section 11(7) of the Children Act lets the court attach directions about how an order is carried out, and conditions that a parent or anyone the child lives or spends time with must follow, for a set period if needed.

Examples the court can consider, where the evidence supports it:

• No alcohol or drugs before or during the time with the child
• The child is not to be left in the care of a named person
• Handovers at a set, neutral place, or by a named relative
• Contact supervised or supported for a period while concerns are looked at

The key word is evidence. A new partner on its own is usually not a reason for the court to restrict contact. In my experience judges are wary of conditions that are really about adult feelings, and they take conditions seriously when there is a real risk: a conviction, a pattern of drug use, messages, or professional records. Keep your request specific, short and about your child.

If there has been domestic abuse, the court must follow Practice Direction 12J at every stage. Read our guide to how domestic abuse affects child contact. If you are frightened for your safety or your child's safety, call 999, and see our Keeping You Safe page.

What forums get wrong about contact

How do I write a proposal the judge will take seriously?

Whether it goes in a letter, a mediation session, a position statement or your C100 form, a good proposal has the same bones.

1. Start with your childTwo or three lines on who they are: age, nursery or school, routine, health, what they love. It shows the judge you know them.
2. Describe what happens nowThe current arrangement, honestly, including what is working.
3. Set out term time preciselyDays, times and who collects and drops off. "Alternate weekends from Friday after school to Monday school drop off" is a plan. "Regular weekends" is not.
4. Add holidays and special daysSchool holidays, Christmas, birthdays, festivals, and how far in advance holiday dates are agreed.
5. Build in steps and reviewsFor young children or rebuilt relationships, show the stages and what moves each one on.
6. Cover communicationVideo calls on set evenings, a shared calendar or parenting app, and how you will tell each other about health or school.
7. Name any conditions, brieflyOnly where there is a real concern, with the evidence in one line.
8. Answer the other parent's worriesShow you have heard them. This is the line judges notice most.

If you cannot agree: what happens at court

You will usually need to attend a mediation information meeting (MIAM) first, unless an exemption applies. Then you apply on form C100. Cafcass carries out safeguarding checks before the first hearing, and the court looks for agreement at that hearing. Our guides walk you through each step: filling in a C100, the Cafcass safeguarding call and what happens at a FHDRA. If contact has already stopped, start with my ex has stopped me seeing my child.

The court can make an interim order while the case goes on, so a stepped plan can start before the final hearing. Every single hearing is an opportunity to agree things.