When a child refuses to see their other parent, the parent at home is usually the one lying awake. You want to respect your child. You also know there is an order, or a solicitor's letter, or a parent on the other side who is hurt and angry. And the internet gives you two answers that cannot both be true: "the child decides" and "you will be blamed for this".

Listen, listen. Neither is the whole truth. I have spent eleven years sitting beside parents in family court and twenty six years working with families in complex cases, and this is one of the situations I see most. This guide answers the questions parents actually ask, in their own words, and it works whichever parent the child is refusing. If you are the parent being refused, there is a section for you near the end.

My child refuses to see their father. Where do I stand legally?

The starting point is the Children Act 1989. In every decision about who a child lives with or spends time with, the child's welfare is the court's paramount concern. Three parts of section 1 matter most here:

• The welfare checklist. The first item the court must consider is "the ascertainable wishes and feelings of the child concerned (considered in the light of his age and understanding)". It is the first item, but it is one of seven, alongside the child's needs, the likely effect of any change, any harm or risk of harm, and how capable each parent is of meeting the child's needs.
• The presumption of involvement. The court presumes that a parent's involvement in a child's life furthers their welfare, unless the contrary is shown. Involvement can be direct or indirect and does not mean any particular split of time.
• Delay is harmful. The court must keep in mind that delay is likely to harm the child, so a refusal that drifts on for months is something it will want to understand quickly.

So where you stand depends on two things: whether there is already a court order, and why your child is refusing. We cover both below. Our guide to what contact the court usually considers walks through the welfare checklist item by item.

At what age can my child decide?

There is no age in the law at which a child gets the final say. What changes with age is how much weight their views carry. A five year old who says "I don't want to go" on a Friday may be tired, anxious about leaving you, or upset about something small. A fifteen year old who has explained, consistently and in their own words, why they do not want to stay overnight is in a very different place.

There is one firm line. Under section 9 of the Children Act 1989, a court should not make an order about who a child spends time with that lasts beyond their sixteenth birthday, or make a new one for a child who is already sixteen, unless the circumstances are exceptional. (Orders about where a child lives can run to eighteen.) In practice that means arrangements for older teenagers rest heavily on the young person's own wishes.

Between those ends, judges usually look at things like:

• whether the child's views are consistent over time and in different settings;
• whether the reasons are the child's own, in their own words, or sound like adult words;
• whether the views are about the parent, or about the arrangements: the long drive, missing football, a new partner, a lack of privacy at the other home;
• what the child might lose, now and later, if the relationship stops altogether.

Can a court force a teenager to go?

Honestly? No one can physically make a determined fourteen year old get into a car, and courts know it. But that does not mean nothing can be done, and it does not mean a parent at home can simply step back and say "it's their choice".

What a court can do is look at why the teenager is refusing, hear from them through Cafcass, and shape arrangements that a young person can actually manage: shorter visits, daytime instead of overnight, a meal out instead of a weekend, video calls, a gradual rebuild. Many older teenagers are far more willing to see a parent when they feel listened to and have some say in the plan.

What the court expects from you, as the parent at home, is active encouragement where it is safe. That means more than "I asked, she said no". It means speaking warmly about the other parent, helping with practical barriers, and showing that you tried.

Will I be accused of alienation?

This is the fear behind almost every message I get on this subject. So here is what the guidance actually says.

In December 2024 the Family Justice Council published guidance on responding to a child's unexplained reluctance, resistance or refusal to spend time with a parent, and allegations of alienating behaviour. It is written for judges and professionals, and four points from it will help you understand your position:

• Refusal has many causes. A child may resist because of the other parent's behaviour (which may be a justified response), because of their attachment to or alignment with the parent they live with, because of their age and stage, or because of practical things. Sometimes it is never fully explained, and the guidance says that the lack of a clear explanation does not confirm alienating behaviour.
• "Parental alienation syndrome" is not a diagnosis. The guidance says it has no evidential basis. In Re C (2023), the President of the Family Division described alienation as a process of manipulation through particular behaviours, not a syndrome. The court looks at what actually happened in your family.
• Three things must be shown. Before a court can find alienating behaviour, it needs to be satisfied that the child is resisting a relationship, that this is not caused by the other parent's own behaviour or by other factors such as attachment, and that the parent the child lives with has behaved in ways that led to it. The guidance is clear that a child's refusal cannot by itself amount to evidence of manipulation.
• Protecting a child is not alienating them. Where a parent limits contact to protect a child from abuse, the guidance says that protective behaviour cannot amount to alienating behaviour. If there has been domestic abuse, read our guide on how domestic abuse affects child contact.

The guidance also says that genuine findings of alienating behaviour are relatively rare, and that experts should not "diagnose" it: the facts are for the court alone. So if you are encouraging the relationship, can show it, and are honest about what your child says, an accusation does not decide anything. Evidence does.

How does Cafcass hear from my child?

It depends on where your case is.

Before the first hearing, in most of England, Cafcass carries out safeguarding checks and phones each parent. It does not usually speak to the child at this stage: Practice Direction 12B says no contact is initiated with the child before the first hearing. Our guide to the Cafcass safeguarding call explains how to describe a refusal calmly on that call.

If the court orders a report, often called a section 7 report, a Family Court Adviser will usually speak to your child, in a way that suits their age, and tell the court what the child said and what the adviser thinks lies behind it. Cafcass has a specific practice guide for understanding why a child does not want to spend time with a parent, which looks at the full range of reasons before considering alienating behaviours.

In a Child Focused Court area, which already includes all of Wales, Birmingham, West Yorkshire and several other areas, with eight more starting on 17 November 2026, things work differently. A Child Impact Report replaces the safeguarding letter and the section 7 report, and the model expects the social worker to speak with most children early on. Read our guide to Child Focused Courts to check your area.

Whichever route you are on, two things help. First, do not coach your child or prepare them with "what to say". Advisers are trained to notice adult words. Second, tell your child, simply, that someone may ask how they feel, that they can be honest, and that you will not be cross with them whatever they say.

Do I have to reply to a solicitor's letter asking for more contact?

There is no rule that forces you to reply. But ignoring it is rarely wise. If the case goes to court, letters are often shown to the judge, and silence can look like you were not willing to talk. A short, calm reply nearly always serves you better.

A good reply is brief and child focused. It might:

1. confirm you want your child to have a relationship with their other parent, where it is safe;
2. describe, factually and without blame, what is happening: "Since September, Kai has refused to go on three Fridays out of four";
3. say what you have done to encourage him;
4. propose something practical: a shorter visit, a daytime meeting, family therapy, mediation, or asking Cafcass to speak with him;
5. stay away from criticising the other parent.

If you are worried about safety, do not agree to anything you think is unsafe. Say you have concerns, and that you will raise them with Cafcass and the court. If there is any immediate danger, call 999, and see our Keeping You Safe page.

What should I keep a record of?

A simple record is the most useful thing you can create. It protects you from the accusation that you did nothing, and it helps Cafcass and the court see the pattern. Keep it short and factual.

1. Each planned handoverThe date, what was supposed to happen, and what actually happened. One or two lines.
2. What you did to encourage"Reminded him on Thursday, packed his bag together, offered to drive him, suggested he take his console." This is the part most parents forget.
3. What your child said, in their wordsWrite it down soon after, without questioning them about it. Never ask your child to repeat things for your notes.
4. Other contact that did happenPhone calls, video calls, messages, school events the other parent attended. The relationship is wider than overnights.
5. Anything you offered the other parentAlternative dates, a shorter visit, a meeting somewhere neutral. Keep the messages.

Then stop. A diary of every mood and every comment usually works against you. Organised is better than chaotic, every time.

What if there is already a court order?

If there is a child arrangements order, it still applies, even if your child refuses. The order will normally have a warning notice attached about the consequences of not following it. If the other parent applies to enforce it, the court can make an enforcement order under section 11J of the Children Act 1989, but only if it is sure, beyond reasonable doubt, that the order was not followed, and not if the parent had a reasonable excuse. The parent claiming a reasonable excuse has to show it, on the balance of probabilities.

Whether a child's refusal is a reasonable excuse depends on the facts, including the child's age and what you did to encourage them. That is exactly why your record matters. And the Family Justice Council guidance says courts should avoid moving a child's home as a sanction for a parent not helping to restore a relationship. Non compliance is serious, but the child's welfare stays paramount.

If the order no longer works for your child, the proper route is usually to ask to change it, not to stop following it. That normally means a C100 application to vary the order, ideally after trying mediation if it is safe. If you believe your child is at risk with the other parent, act protectively and tell the court straight away, rather than waiting for an enforcement application.

If you are the parent being refused

Being turned away by your own child is one of the most painful things in family life. Before you reach for the word alienation, look at the whole picture.

• Keep the door open. Keep sending birthday cards, short messages, and invitations with no pressure. Children notice who stayed warm.
• Ask what would help. A shorter visit, a different activity, one to one time without a new partner or step siblings. Sometimes the answer is practical.
• Look honestly at your part. Arguments at handovers, talking about the case in front of your child, or rules that suit an eight year old but not a teenager can all play a role.
• Use the right route. If you need the court, raise your concerns calmly and ask for Cafcass to hear from your child. Our guide on what to do when your ex is stopping you seeing your child covers the first steps.

What to do this week

1. Have one calm, short conversation with your child about what is getting in the way. Listen more than you talk.
2. Start your record: dates, what you did, what your child said.
3. Tell the other parent, in writing and without blame, what is happening and offer an alternative.
4. If there is a solicitor's letter, reply within a reasonable time, briefly and child focused.
5. If it is heading to court, get your timeline, proposal and record in order now, not the night before.